The Divorce Dilemma
It’s amazing that any marriage lasts more than ten years. There are, in my opinion, three reasons couples eventually divorce. First, the realization that two divergent, conflicting backgrounds, may be incompatible. Second, the educational differences are amplified over time. Third, the stone wall of pride, blocks the gateway to humility.
When a man and a woman fall in love, their ego boundaries become highly elastic and like spiders, each unconsciously draws the other into their web. After the honeymoon wears off, those little irritating mannerisms which were overlooked during courtship begin to grow into major barriers. Once this obstacle gets too big, it becomes a fork in the road. Now, the couple must begin the task of repairing the marriage, if they’re committed to making it last.
Human nature is filled with instantly combustible emotions. While one partner may be raised in a good home, the other may have been raised in one lacking in affection. How hard it is for each to understand the other’s rationale for doing what they do. There may be a driving force (inner tension) in one to gain the academic skills of which he or she had been deprived. Their partner may choose to coast through life. Eventually, the intellectual chasm becomes too wide.
Of course, once the marriage is on the rocks, it’s a matter of winner take all. Each is blindsided by the illusion of differences. Instead of using common sense, they choose to toss the marriage in the trash like an old pair of socks. The opposite definition of love is pride, not hate. No one enjoys having their feelings hurt—especially by the one who vowed to love them. So, what can be done?
My Common Sense Formula
What divorcing couples don’t understand is, if they decide to divorce rather than work things out, there is absolutely no assurance that the next person in their life will be any more perfect than the one they’re leaving behind. It’s axiomatic that it is far easier to work on a job that’s half-finished than to start all over on a new project.
In today’s throw-away society, too many people believe that if their marriage doesn’t work out the way they expected, it should be dissolved. Some questions beg for answers: What about the kids? Whatever happened to growing old together? Is pride the only emotion that exists in the heart? Let me explain my theory.
As a therapist, I ask partner A to tell me, on a scale between 10 and 100, how far up that scale she feels her husband rates. She may say, “Probably a 45.” I then ask partner B the same question. He may say, “Probably a 60.”
At that point, I state the obvious, “No one will ever get higher than 85-percent on the scale because of the ever-present differences between man and woman. But, you have your husband at 45%; you only have 40-points to go. You’re over half-way there.”
To partner B, I say, “Okay, you gave your wife a 60, which means you only have 25-points to go. You’re getting close, won’t you admit?”
That’s when I drop the other shoe. “Since you both have each other more than halfway to perfection, why on earth would you choose to divorce and start all over with someone else at zero? And, worse, what guarantee do you have that you will ever get that new man or woman, to be any higher than where each of you are now? Do you not see what you’re facing? Why not take a vacation away from the stress, and try to remember what it was that brought you together in the first place. Surely there had to be many good things you saw in each other, besides the physical attraction. Right?”
If anger and resentment have grown too great over a period of time, and one partner see a glorious image just over the horizon, hope for continued togetherness—even on a trial basis—has been lost. The stubborn, self-centered nature of one partner will prevent any reconciliation. The lure of that impossible dream has been swallowed too deeply to shake the hook. And, life goes on! Sadly, few people ever see the intellectual theory as I have presented it here.
The bottom line? Any two people coming from totally separate backgrounds, can make a relationship work. The only thing they must give away in their vows is PRIDE!